Have you ever noticed that in the world of gay sex for every guy who’s a top or dominant or taking charge there are usually four to five guys who prefer the submissive or bottom role?
This seems to apply across the board (at least in English-speaking countries) whether you’re into anal sex, erotic massage or BDSM (bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism/masochism) or something else sexually,
Whether we call it bottoming, submission or something else, at the core most guys like someone else to take the lead.
Of course this depends some on the geographic region and the specific activities that are involved. But it’s very common that there are more guys who are submissive than dominant or tops.
Since many gay guys can be adamant about how they like their sex, this sets up some challenging issues around supply and demand – whether you’re looking for a long-term partner or a casual hookup. It can also bring up some friction inside long-term relationships.
Here are some reasons why most gay and bisexual men prefer to bottom or be submissive, letting their partner lead.
Most men are touch starved
The first consideration is that in English speaking, Western-thinking societies, men don’t receive a lot of touch. We don’t have as many opportunities to receive touch as women do (though they can be touch deprived, too).
It’s especially the case that men receiving touch from men is not something that society looks on as a great thing. Yes they may find it entertaining or tolerate it but it can still be met with subtle disapproval.
Due to this men don’t receive much touch. During sex is the main time when men get to receive touch.
Sex is often the only time many men get to receive the type of touch that ideally we could receive in social settings. Often this gets relegated to sex.
And the truth is, when you’re submissive and letting your partner lead, you receive more touch than when you’re dominant.
Whether your partner massages you, spanks you, penetrates or ties you, you get touched a lot more than he does. Generally the dominant or top only gets touched on his hands and genitals.
So this prompts more guys to want to be submissive than dominant.
The second reason more gay men prefer to be submissive is an issue of balancing energy. In our Western cultures, we define masculinity based on action and accomplishment. We often downplay the receptive side of masculinity. A
As a result, men don’t receive often and we don’t have much practice in receiving – both energetically as well as touch – receiving in many different ways.
This can bring up a strong and powerful longing to receive.
Fundamentally with most traditional sexual activities, the bottom or submissive is receiving and the dominant is giving. And so this prompts many guys to prefer to be submissive.
It’s easier to follow than lead
Following is easier than leading
The third reason is that it’s easier to follow directions than it is to lead
This is true in any part of life but it’s especially true when it comes to rough sex or BDSM. This is because taking the leadership or dominant role requires you to make decisions about safety, to figure out what is the right intensity for the other person.
As the leader, top or dominant you also need to walk the line between fantasy and reality. If your partner is not clear about what he wants, you have to deal with the fact that often what we think we want sexually (and are turned on thinking about) is not the precise thing that would be the most satisfying for him or you. For example, he may think he wants to experience more, or even ask for more intensity than he might actually be able to tolerate.
All of this means that it takes work to be the guy in charge, top, to be dominant – and to do it well. When you’re a bottom or submissive all you really need to do is receive, follow orders, sometimes even just lay there and possibly give some feedback.
Thus, because it’s easier to follow than it is to lead, many gay and bisexual men prefer to bottom or be submissive.
Desire for body enjoyment
The fourth reason for the supply and demand issue between tops and bottoms is body enjoyment.
Much of the effort in being a top or dom is mental. It requires you to think about what’s going to happen next, how you’re going to do it.
You end up asking yourself questions like: how is this person responding to what I’m doing? How much am I enjoying it? What do I need to change?
Now it’s true that there can be a lot of mental satisfaction in being a top and pleasuring your partner successfully. Since the brain is our biggest sex organ it’s important to not overlook this.
However, all this thinking can make it harder to go out of your mind and in to your body so that you can really enjoy the pleasure of the experience.
When you’re in your mind it’s harder to enjoy your body.
After all, a big draw of sex – whether conservative or aggressively playful – is body enjoyment. And that leads more guys to want to be submissive than be a top or dominant.
Erotic creativity and flexibility can help you connect more sexually
All of these factors lead more guys to want to bottom or be submissive, and that’s why the numbers are so imbalanced and have been reported to have been imbalanced, going back probably at least 100 years.
So whether you’re trying to find a relationship or someone for casual sex, or just trying to keep the erotic fire burning with a long-term partner keep in mind these reasons for why guys like to follow the leader more often than taking the lead in bed.
For all these reasons it’s a great idea to develop a range of erotic skills so you can be flexible and enjoy a versatile range of activities as it will give you more options.
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